by Vivian Lawson Hogue

I don’t recall when I started coloring my hair, but it was a form of denial that I had moved past age 40. As a high school teacher, I felt I would have more credibility if there was little or no gray showing. I was blessed with wrinkle-free parents who died at 92 and 98, so at least I had that to hope for.  

I colored my own hair. That went fairly well, although each time demonstrated different results. I consulted a professional after an incident where a student yelled across campus that she loved my purple hair. She was sporting burgundy tresses with gold stripes, so I knew she was sincere. I finally went gray and found it amazing what positive effects gray hair can give. Pastels are flattering, and you can go lighter on makeup. It also makes you more eligible for a senior coffee at McDonald’s.

I met my husband at a parent-teacher conference when I was 47. We became engaged the next year, and I had a special request. In planning to get the marriage license, I asked if we could do so before my 48th birthday so I would still be “only” 47.  

About this time, I became aware of those tell-tale brown freckles on top of my left hand. They call them “age spots.” A dermatologist used what seemed like a hot poker to make them disappear. He said they might return. He was wrong. That hand is still freckle-less, and it doesn’t match the right hand, which looks like a spotted puppy’s belly.  

I retired at age 67, making sure I had my Medicare, secondary insurance and vision cards. Did you know that the government and other entities consider you “elderly” at 60? So now I was a card-carrying elder person. I finally had to laminate all my cards as I found they would be shown often.  

After the age of 70, many of us frequent pharmacies and medical and dental offices. Of all the various pains that find us in a clinic waiting room, one of the worst is being forced to listen while someone’s cell phone summons them with a high decibel snippet of their favorite, nasal country singer or animal sound. Upon answering, the “callee” actually answers, rather than muting the call or leaving the room to talk, he or she — usually she — simply talks loudly about personal things, and if there are no unsavory details about themselves to relate, they’ll talk about someone else’s. Do you feel ill and are worried about your symptoms that brought you to the doc? Well, here . . . this oinking pig ring tone will surely make you feel better.  

When we are rescued from the waiting room and allowed sanctuary in an examining room, we may be found trying to effectively grasp an exam gown together in the back or front. This is because the nurse who handed it to you wears a size 2, and that’s her reference point.  

After you explain your latest symptoms to your doctor or dentist, all diagnoses are prefaced with, “As we get older . . .” Incidentally, have you noticed that there are doctors specializing in treating newborns and toddlers, adolescents and adults, but there are relatively few M.D. geriatric specialists? The reasons have to do with outcomes and incomes.  

I don’t like getting older because while my bones and muscles are semi-retiring, my brain is still working. For example, I am still able to think of ways to recycle or repurpose items. Empty prescription bottles, for one thing. I use the short ones for storing bread package twist ties, and the tall ones to cover the fill tubes of my Earthbox planters. They say it keeps mosquitoes from going into the tube, but apparently no one has told the mosquitoes.  

George Burns once stated that, “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” Actually, it makes perfect sense now, whether it is shoe laces or Velcro! You might even find that expensive teeny pill you dropped last week but couldn’t see.

There are some people you can’t talk to about getting older. They jovially reply, “Well, it beats the alternative!” Entertainer Maurice Chevalier famously said that, and he is now long gone. He doesn’t have his favorite TV shows interrupted with ads for hearing devices, medical alarms and personal health items wrapped in discreet packaging. He doesn’t have a fixed income either, which means that although the cost of his fiber supplement rises, the cost of living needed to purchase it never increases!

One has to face the fact that we begin to age the minute we’re born. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.” No matter your age, being caught in that particular middle is never a good thing. Except, by the grace of God, you are still living!